The Only Exception

To start off with, I knew he had been seeing someone. This was something that I knew. Engaged? Definitely did not see that one coming! Especially since it has only been a year since we expressed our feelings for each other. Engaged. Low blow, man. Cheap shot right to the heart. What do you say to that? "Oh, well that's dumb." Yeah, no. Congratulations? Seems like a lie, but it's all I could come up with. It's not like I expected him to stay hung up on me forever. I knew he would move on. He pushed me away. Out of hurt/anger and whatever else he was feeling. He pushed me away, of course he should be the one to move on easily. He's in control.

I'm used to being controlled. I have an easy-going, people pleasing personality, and it's very easy for me to be controlled. But I feel a little [lot] uneasy about having NO control whatsoever in this situation. Vulnerable is something that I do not like to be. That's how you get hurt. Putting yourself out there is a scary thing! I've done it twice with him now, and both times just proved why I HATE BEING VULNERABLE!

Mean words would have hurt me less. "I hate you, stop talking to me" would have done the trick. But no. I get told things that I don't want to hear from the guy that I still have feelings for while he's engaged! You don't tell someone that still has feelings for you that you still love them. Or that they're one that slipped away. Ummm, hello? I'm RIGHT HERE. Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe he just wasn't thinking. Telling me that you can't talk to me because you'll end up falling for me again is NOT the way to get me to back off. You're breaking my heart.. again.

I just want my friend back. My football friend, my late night conversation friend, my OTH friend. The person who knew me better than anybody else. The person I think of way too much, wondering if he's thinking about me too. Wondering if he's reading this. Wondering if he misses these things too, but is afraid to put himself out there again. I really hope he's not settling because of me. That would be a real shame.

Side note: why would you be engaged to someone if you still spend time thinking about someone else you still love?

I.Don't.Get.It.

Day 3!

Your First Love

This is probably harder to talk about because it's recently been brought up, but I'll do it. I met M by chance. The odds of us meeting were literally 1 in 500,000,000. We couldn't get enough of each other. We talked every night for hours on the phone [he lives in Fl] and sometimes we'd even fall asleep together on the phone. He quickly became like my best friend. I told him things that I never told anybody. He was funny, sweet, charming, cute, a good person.. everything I wanted in a guy. I fell in love with him.. hard and fast. And just like that, it was over. I wasn't truthful in a couple of things, and it ended our relationship. He told me he didn't want to talk to me ever again, and I honestly couldn't blame him. I deserved it. It's been a year and I've contacted him twice since then. On Tuesday I found out he's engaged, and that's that. We're still not talking, and I'm pretty torn up about it. I still love the guy.

Day 2!

Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name

Well, there's a few reasons. First of all, my eyes are green. Second, behind my eyes (kindof) is my brain and without my brain, I wouldn't be able to write. Third, the song "Behind Blue Eyes" intrigues me, so I rolled with it. No deep dark meaning behind it, just the obvious.

Let's Stay Together

I-I-I-I'm I'm so in love with you.. whatever you want ta do is alright with me-e-e-e.

So my ducks are #1 in the polls that matter
[#2 in the BCS]
And I'm as happy as a clam about it.
Thursday should most definitely be a W.
7-0 babyy

I talked to the boy today. The one that matters. After talking to my brother [Trevor] and one of my bff's [Alicia] and trying to get them to talk me out of it, I did it.
I can't really say that I'm happy about it.
Nothing was really resolved.
I can't help but feel a sense of loss, again.
I miss the friendship/bond we had.
I wish that he missed me enough to want to try.
But I can't make him miss me.
I can just try and get over it.
Ha
If I was going to get over it, it would have happened by now.
But whatever, I don't have a choice.
It was made clear; I'm not wanted.
Story.Of.My.Life.

30 Day Journey (pt.2)

I'm giving this a shot again. Thanks to Katie @

We'll see if I can finish it this time.

Day 1: A recent picture, an intro & 15 facts about Me

This is me. I'm a 20 year old nursing student. I attend a small community college in central Oregon. I love the Oregon Ducks, and I'll watch pretty much any sports. I sing, and I'm pretty good at it, not to brag or anything. I go to church every Sunday. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I WANT to. I've been in love once, and I miss the boy that took that piece of my heart. I'm just your average girl. I love to laugh and have a good time. I don't drink or party. I'm a good girl, but I'm not stuck up. I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend. I'm me.

1. I live in Oregon and have yet to go to California.

2. It literally hurts me when my Ducks lose.

3. I have been an aunt since the age of 12. I have 7 nieces and nephews that are my ACTUAL nieces and nephews, and I have 5 that might as well be my niece and nephews.

4. My best friends are 13 years older than me. I matured faster than people my age.

5. I wish I could be selfish and pull a Meredith Grey. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

6. Even though we hated each other when we were growing up, my brother has become a really good friend, and an amazing brother. I can't imagine life without him.

7. I've rescued 2 kittens. The first one (Masoli) I gave to my stepdad, because he liked him more anyways. Then I rescued my second one (Uno) on the fourth of July. I love him, even though he's a brat. He's a good snuggler.

8. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a cat hoarder. Kelly. Jerk.

9. I want to be a hospital nurse. I can't choose between Trauma, Pediatrics, or what. But I want to work in a hospital.

10. I've grown more in the past year than I have my whole life (maturity).

11. I want to be proposed to at Autzen Stadium.

12. I really want a "Notebook" kiss. You know what I'm talking about.. don't pretend like you don't.

13. My ultimate dream is to be a good mommy. Not any time soon, but I want to look back on life and know that I did good by my children.

14. I can't get over him. I told him I was over him.

15. Mocha Ice Rages from "Friends" make me very happy.

Dreaming

I've always been a little disappointed in the fact that my dream school (University of Oregon) does not have a nursing program. [insert tears] Over the past few weeks, however, I have been taking a Developmental Psychology class that is being taught by a [you guessed it] nurse. She specializes in Developmental Psychology of children, she's a nurse AND she teaches.

I feel like I have severely underestimated the possibilities that go along with nursing. It's a health care profession but with that comes [mental health]. Aka psychology. So I've been thinking for the past few days, just throwing ideas out there, brainstorming, and dreaming bigger than I ever thought I could dream.

What if I get my bachelors in Nursing, and my masters in Psychology?

I could totally do it!

I've been told many-a-times that I should be a psychologist because I genuinely care about people [which I do] and I've been told that I would be a great nurse because I have a lot of compassion and I can handle the bloody stuff.

Seriously, why shouldn't I do both? All the background in psychology will certainly help me to be the very best nurse that I can be. The best part of it all? I could go to my dream school. Right now it's just in the dreaming stage, but God calls us to dream, and dream big using His help. I'm excited and hopeful when thinking about my future and what God has in store for me. Hopefully it will involve a little green and yellow.

#3 Ducks

I had a BLAST this weekend!
I stayed up all night Friday night to make it to game day by 4:30..
Which was awesome!
Then I took a 2 hour nap Saturday
And went to the game at 3pm!


This is me waiting for the game to start!

The game got off to a rough start..
1st quarter.. 21-3 (them)
But we kicked it in gear and handed them their first butt whoopin.
Courtesy of the [now] #3 Ducks!
Now, if only I can talk my brother into taking me to the Arizona game....
Enjoy a couple pictures :)
(Camera died before the game even started.. boo)