Disappointment

I am what I hate to call people call a people pleaser. It's true. I rarely do anything without thinking of how the consequences of my actions will affect other people. I've read books about my people pleasing antics, books like "Co-dependency No More" and so on, and so forth. Yes, I know I am co-dependent on my people pleasing and the fact that I like to keep the waters calm.

In stores when I'm looking at greeting cards or books or something, if someone comes up behind me, I will stop my search, move out of the way and patiently wait until they're finished.

I keep my hurt feelings to myself even though it's something I shouldn't keep inside because I just really don't want to stir up any trouble.

I don't say what I want because it might just conflict with what other people around me want.

I don't stand up for myself and say no when I don't want to do something, I do it anyway.

I feel like a shell of the person I'm supposed to be because of the people-pleaser I am. It's very frustrating that I can't just stop. Trust me, I've tried. I've been proud of myself on numerous occasions that I actually said no to people. But then I go on that day feeling guilty. It's something I would love to change about myself.

My feelings were hurt last night, guys. Another thing that happens easily but I keep it to myself and cover it up by using anger or just shrugging it off.

I was told by someone (someone really close to me) that they were disappointed in me. In me?!?! Whatever could they be disappointed in me for?!? *rolls eyes*

This person said that they were disappointed in the fact that I was going to have a couple of drinks on my birthday. My 21st birthday. I've waited until I was 21 to drink, but it's disappointing that I'm going to actually have a little fun on my birthday. I'm going to a bar with my brother because he has always said that he wanted to take me out on my 21st birthday. I'm not going out with a bunch of friends to get "shit-faced" I'm going out with my brother to enjoy a few drinks.. doing something I've never done before. So let's get this straight..

I love Jesus with my whole heart
I'm a 4.0 student
I don't do any of the crazy things kids my age do
I'm actively involved in my church
I work 40 hours a week
But I can't enjoy myself and responsibly have a couple of drinks on my 21st birthday?

I'm an adult. Most of the time I feel like a 35 year old trapped in a 20 year old body. Is it so disappointing that I want to for once in my life act my age a little?

Mind you, this is said to be the hardest age for a believer. I'm going through so many transitions that my head is spinning, and yet I'm being judged for wanting to do something for myself.

My heart hurts, guys. It really does. The people pleaser in me is going to have 1000 lbs of guilt when I have a drink on my birthday tomorrow night. But I'm just going to ignore that part of me, because I DESERVE to have a good time on my birthday. Even if it does disappoint a few people. I'm not here to be approved of. The one that needs to approve of me loves me unconditionally. That's enough for me.