Talking To The Moon

It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I won't apologize, because, well it's been a rough month. I've been here for four weeks now. In some ways, they have gone by really fast, but in other ways, it has been the longest four weeks of my life. Let's take a little look back...

When I first got here, it took forever to even sign up for classes. I had so many hoops to jump through before I could even do it. I was feeling pretty down about all of it. My first week was tough. I got a phone call from my sister and she talked me down. She told me about how the first week would be the hardest. At the time, I had to agree. But things got tougher.

Nic started his search for his dream school. He had a number one school on his list, but he's someone who likes to do the research to make sure he doesn't end up where he doesn't want to be. After a few days of research, he decided that he wanted to go to the University of Oregon. I didn't have any influence on his decision. I left him completely alone to make his choice. He decided that he would move there in December and start the winter term at the local community college. So he started working with his dad, doing construction. Working long hours from 7:00am to 6:00pm. By the time he was done working, he would just shut down and watch netflix. Barely texting me. Barely acknowledging my existence. 

Since I had been here, my communication with Nic had been lacking. We FaceTime'd once and talked on the phone once, with sporadic texting thrown in there. He seemed different. Which affected me. I wasn't necessarily questioning our relationship, but I was wondering if we were on the same page after our two week visit, since we never really had time to talk about it after.

About two weeks ago, I brought up the distance. The emotional distance between us. I asked if we were still on the same page, and he told me he didn't feel the same, but stronger since we had met. He loved me and he was happy with me. I let him know that the lack of communication was bothering me, but I promised to be patient while he was working.

The next week, I found out that one of the student loans I was supposed to receive fell through. Over $20,000 of the loan I was supposed to receive fell through. I lost it. I had nobody to talk to. The one person who I'm supposed to be able to count on wouldn't even talk to me. It was to the point where I'd text him, and hear nothing for a couple of days, but he would still post on facebook. To say I was stressed out and not feeling like myself is putting it mildly. I had had enough.

So I reached out to him. I told him we needed to talk about what was going on. I asked if he felt the distance too, and he said yes. I told him about how things just felt different, and I felt no longer like a girlfriend, but more like a dog begging for his attention. He told me we were past the "lovey-dovey" stage and if that's what I wanted, I shouldn't be with him. I let him know that I didn't need the fluffy words, but a relationship.

I opened up completely, letting him know about my issues with my dad. About how I have trouble with relationships/friendships and being afraid they're going to leave me, because the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally left me without a second glance.

He responded with "I thought you had your shit together." After I poured out my soul. The next thing I know, he's telling me he needs time. Time to think. Alone. I gave him time.

Saturday, while watching the ducks game (ouch), I received a text saying he couldn't do it. I couldn't even get a phone call. He explained that he needed to work on himself, but he wouldn't tell me anything else. He said it wasn't about me, and it wasn't about us, it was about him. He didn't want to talk to anybody. He didn't want to do anything. He was done.

That was the last I heard from him. Other than a facebook post that was directed at me before he deactivated his account. I sent him a message asking for closure. Telling him that when he decided on his own that our relationship needed to end that he made it about me. That I deserved to know what happened. And he posted "You're right, I should change my life and the way I live it to fit YOUR standards. Who cares what I think is best for me."

That's it. I haven't tried communicating with him since Monday. But the crazy thing is, he keeps using my netflix account. I'm thinking maybe I should change my password.

The hardest part about this is he wasn't himself. He hadn't been my Nic since we both left the airport. I kept telling my mom, every time I talked to him that it wasn't us. We weren't being us. And whatever it is that's going on with him, his family doesn't even know about it. So I worry about him. Even though he absolutely crushed my heart, I can't help but worry about him. I still love him, and I miss him terribly.

Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend. After the best two weeks of my life, he's just gone. What we had is just gone. Feelings didn't change. Circumstances did, and it hurts so bad. It would be so much easier if he hated me. I try to be so strong, but I miss him every second of everyday. I miss him when I'm happy, because I want to share it with him. I miss him when I'm troubled because he's the one who knows me so well. I miss him when I laugh and when I cry.. because he makes my laughter grow, and he makes my tears stop. I miss him at night when all I can think about are our wonderful memories that we shared.

We were only "together" for four months, but it felt so right with him. We were literally perfect for each other. It was like God made us for each other.

Part of me is hoping and praying that whatever he's going through, he'll see that he didn't need to push me away, that I'd be there for him, and he'll want to try again.

But the other part of me feels pathetic for thinking that's even an option.

So I'm trying to let go. whatever happens, it's for a reason. If we get a second chance, then I'll be forever thankful for that. If we don't, then I'll be thankful for the memories that we do have. He'll always be my first real love. Nobody can take that place. It just hurts, because I thought he was the one.

I miss him.