Friday, September 14, 2012

Talking To The Moon

It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I won't apologize, because, well it's been a rough month. I've been here for four weeks now. In some ways, they have gone by really fast, but in other ways, it has been the longest four weeks of my life. Let's take a little look back...

When I first got here, it took forever to even sign up for classes. I had so many hoops to jump through before I could even do it. I was feeling pretty down about all of it. My first week was tough. I got a phone call from my sister and she talked me down. She told me about how the first week would be the hardest. At the time, I had to agree. But things got tougher.

Nic started his search for his dream school. He had a number one school on his list, but he's someone who likes to do the research to make sure he doesn't end up where he doesn't want to be. After a few days of research, he decided that he wanted to go to the University of Oregon. I didn't have any influence on his decision. I left him completely alone to make his choice. He decided that he would move there in December and start the winter term at the local community college. So he started working with his dad, doing construction. Working long hours from 7:00am to 6:00pm. By the time he was done working, he would just shut down and watch netflix. Barely texting me. Barely acknowledging my existence. 

Since I had been here, my communication with Nic had been lacking. We FaceTime'd once and talked on the phone once, with sporadic texting thrown in there. He seemed different. Which affected me. I wasn't necessarily questioning our relationship, but I was wondering if we were on the same page after our two week visit, since we never really had time to talk about it after.

About two weeks ago, I brought up the distance. The emotional distance between us. I asked if we were still on the same page, and he told me he didn't feel the same, but stronger since we had met. He loved me and he was happy with me. I let him know that the lack of communication was bothering me, but I promised to be patient while he was working.

The next week, I found out that one of the student loans I was supposed to receive fell through. Over $20,000 of the loan I was supposed to receive fell through. I lost it. I had nobody to talk to. The one person who I'm supposed to be able to count on wouldn't even talk to me. It was to the point where I'd text him, and hear nothing for a couple of days, but he would still post on facebook. To say I was stressed out and not feeling like myself is putting it mildly. I had had enough.

So I reached out to him. I told him we needed to talk about what was going on. I asked if he felt the distance too, and he said yes. I told him about how things just felt different, and I felt no longer like a girlfriend, but more like a dog begging for his attention. He told me we were past the "lovey-dovey" stage and if that's what I wanted, I shouldn't be with him. I let him know that I didn't need the fluffy words, but a relationship.

I opened up completely, letting him know about my issues with my dad. About how I have trouble with relationships/friendships and being afraid they're going to leave me, because the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally left me without a second glance.

He responded with "I thought you had your shit together." After I poured out my soul. The next thing I know, he's telling me he needs time. Time to think. Alone. I gave him time.

Saturday, while watching the ducks game (ouch), I received a text saying he couldn't do it. I couldn't even get a phone call. He explained that he needed to work on himself, but he wouldn't tell me anything else. He said it wasn't about me, and it wasn't about us, it was about him. He didn't want to talk to anybody. He didn't want to do anything. He was done.

That was the last I heard from him. Other than a facebook post that was directed at me before he deactivated his account. I sent him a message asking for closure. Telling him that when he decided on his own that our relationship needed to end that he made it about me. That I deserved to know what happened. And he posted "You're right, I should change my life and the way I live it to fit YOUR standards. Who cares what I think is best for me."

That's it. I haven't tried communicating with him since Monday. But the crazy thing is, he keeps using my netflix account. I'm thinking maybe I should change my password.

The hardest part about this is he wasn't himself. He hadn't been my Nic since we both left the airport. I kept telling my mom, every time I talked to him that it wasn't us. We weren't being us. And whatever it is that's going on with him, his family doesn't even know about it. So I worry about him. Even though he absolutely crushed my heart, I can't help but worry about him. I still love him, and I miss him terribly.

Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend. After the best two weeks of my life, he's just gone. What we had is just gone. Feelings didn't change. Circumstances did, and it hurts so bad. It would be so much easier if he hated me. I try to be so strong, but I miss him every second of everyday. I miss him when I'm happy, because I want to share it with him. I miss him when I'm troubled because he's the one who knows me so well. I miss him when I laugh and when I cry.. because he makes my laughter grow, and he makes my tears stop. I miss him at night when all I can think about are our wonderful memories that we shared.

We were only "together" for four months, but it felt so right with him. We were literally perfect for each other. It was like God made us for each other.

Part of me is hoping and praying that whatever he's going through, he'll see that he didn't need to push me away, that I'd be there for him, and he'll want to try again.

But the other part of me feels pathetic for thinking that's even an option.

So I'm trying to let go. whatever happens, it's for a reason. If we get a second chance, then I'll be forever thankful for that. If we don't, then I'll be thankful for the memories that we do have. He'll always be my first real love. Nobody can take that place. It just hurts, because I thought he was the one.

I miss him.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Day Three

I've hit a lot of speed bumps since I've been here. Last night, I was finally feeling hungry and ready to eat but I couldn't because I didn't have my student ID yet, and apparently you can't pay cash for food in residence dining halls.

Then today, I went to the campus center to get my ID card where I found out that if you're not registered for your classes yet, you can't get an ID card. I wasn't registered yet because they needed my health clearance forms. So I had to find my way to the Health Services Department (which was clear on the other side of campus) turn in the forms, wait for them to clear me so the holds would be off of my account. While I was looking to see if the hold was off my account, I see that I have a hold that was placed today. I found out the hold was because they didn't get my final transcript from COCC. So I called COCC to have that sent over because UH said they would give me a week to get it, and remove the hold so I could register for classes this week, and not miss a whole week of class. When I called COCC, they said I had a hold on my account there which meant I couldn't have my transcript sent. The hold was a fee that I had forgot to pay, so I paid that, and now I'm waiting for the hold to be lifted so I can order my transcript.

After all of that chaos, I'm finally back in my dorm, and I'm registered for my classes! I'm so excited to start school.. ya know, what I actually came here for? Yeah. That. I start tomorrow :) Here are my classes...

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday:

10:30-11:20: Intro To Social Problems
2:30-3:20: Spanish

Tuesday and Thursday:

10:30-11:45: Intro to the World's Major Religions
12:00-1:15: General Chemistry
1:30-2:45: Pre Calculus

My chemistry and pre calc classes are in the same building in the same room! I didn't notice when I registered, but I was looking to see how far I'd have to go in 15 minutes, and it turns out, I don't have to even move! How awesome is that? I'm really optimistic even though today was kind of rough.

I didn't get to talk to Nic at all yesterday, and today I found out it was because his phone was stepped on yesterday when he was playing basketball, so he has no phone as of right now. Awesome for a long distance relationship.. but not really. We got to talk for a couple of hours this morning on facebook, so that was good. I miss him terribly! He's supposed to call me sometime this week.. I can't wait. He kinda talked me out of my grumpy mood when everything was going wrong today. I even said to him that I'm not sure if this is where I'm supposed to be, because all I'm getting is stop signs every where I turn. But now.. after praying, and talking to him and calming down, I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep up my positive spirit. I'm praying for a STRESS FREE day tomorrow. That would be fantastic. :)

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Day Two

I made it through day one, and believe it or not, I'm alive and well! Other than the fact that I keep waking up at 6:00 am. I'll get back to my normal sleep schedule soon enough.

I met two of my three roommates yesterday. They seem pretty cool so far. There's Gemma, the cheerleader from Florida. I mean.. like for real cheerleader. She cheered for USF last year, and I guess has been cheering her whole life, until this year because she was in a bad car accident in March. She's doing physical therapy and hoping to cheer again soon. If you know me at all, you know that I really don't get along with the "cheerleading" type, but I really like Gemma. She was the one who actually got me to eat something, after not eating for almost 48 hours.

Then there's Katrina, who is my actual roommate (we sleep in the same room, opposed to the same dorm). I seriously don't think I could have handpicked a better roommate. She is from Maui, so she's super nice. She gets good grades and cares about school, which means she won't be partying or making lots of noise at night when I need to study. She also was praying that she didn't get a roommate who parties, and she has a long distance boyfriend. He lives in Alabama. So, we're pretty similar. I think this will be a good set up.

I haven't met Nicki yet, but from what Gemma said, she sounds pretty nice. I'll let you know ;)

The best part of yesterday was getting to talk to Nic. I'm having serious Nic withdrawals so that definitely helped with my home sickness. I think I miss him the most. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family and friends.. but I miss my quality time with Nic the most. I really had so much fun with him the last two weeks, and now he's just gone. Back to Michigan. We're planning a visit in December though. So at least we have something to look forward to. That means visiting each other every 4 months.. not as often as I'd like, but it's better than not seeing him. My mom even gave me "permission" to miss Christmas at home if I wanted to spend it with him. That right there blew my mind. But anyways, that's in the works. I'll keep you posted.

The moral of the story is... well I'm not sure. I just know that I'm feeling a lot better today, and I'm ready to start classes tomorrow. :)

I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I Made It

I'm finally in Hawaii. I've been waiting for this day for so long.. and now that I'm finally here...

I'm ready to go home.

I'm not going to, but I'm ready. I'm so incredibly homesick at the moment.. I haven't been able to eat since yesterday morning. And I love food.

It is absolutely beautiful here though. My dorm is nice, I just haven't met my roommates yet. We keep missing each other. I was asleep when they finally came back last night, and they're still sleeping now. We'll get to meet, and I'll probably feel better knowing people. Rather than feeling completely alone, surrounded by people.

I think my biggest problem is that I haven't really had a chance to talk to Nic since I left him at the airport yesterday. He's kind of really good at soothing my emotions.

Speaking of Nic, I had an awesome visit with him. He got to come and stay with me for two weeks, and call me crazy.. but I'm pretty sure they were the best two weeks of my life. He is exactly the person I fell in love with. He's everything I want in a significant other, that I didn't even know I wanted. I feel blessed to have him in my life. He balances me, and I hope I do the same for him. I know that he always has my back, and I always have his. I'm pretty much his biggest fan :) I miss seeing him though. I loved getting to hold his hand and kiss him whenever I wanted. That was pretty wonderful. Just a few more months, and I'll go see him in Michigan. Hopefully. We'll see.

But anyways, I'm alive and well. I dropped off the face of the earth when he was in Oregon with me because I wanted to cherish every moment. But I'm back. And now that I'm not working and only focusing on school, I'm sure I'll have more time to keep you posted. If anyone even reads this anymore. I guess it's more for me anyways, but still.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. <3 br="br">

Friday, June 1, 2012

Holy Cow!

Has it seriously been over a month since I last posted? I apologize. I suck.

That being said, it's almost my birthday! My favorite day of the year! Other than opening day of college football, obviously ;). I seriously can't believe I'm going to be 22.. it's just crazy to think about. So I won't think about it. Getting pedicures with my madre, going out for dinner and probably a movie and hanging with friends. Sounds perfect to me. My brother was supposed to be joining me, but.. well he's a jerk face.

I also have GREAT news! I got my offer for student housing in Hawaii, so I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY going. It's a good thing too, because I trusted in God and bought my plane ticket a few weeks ago. Non refundable and all that junk. So it's good great that I got a place!

I'm so excited to be moving to Hawaii. It ABSOLUTELY blows my mind that in a little over two months I'll be LIVING there! It's insane.. but exciting at the same time. I'm having a little anxiety about leaving my fam though. I had a dream that Kelly had basically replaced me as a bff, and then the next thing I knew, I was holding a newborn, and I dropped him. I picked him up, took him to Kelly and told her "I broke it." I'm pretty sure this dream was from suppressing all of my feelings about moving, and what it means for my relationships. I told Kelly about it, and she keeps telling me not to drop the baby (what I'm assuming stood for our friendship in my dream). Over the last few weeks I had already started to drop the baby.. trying to get used to the idea of not having my people.. but I realize I need my relationships to be as STRONG as ever before I go.. not strained because of my insecurities.

So to recap.. I'm not going to drop the baby, I'm going to share a dorm with 3 other people, it's almost my 22nd birthday, and I suck. That pretty much sums it up.

Hope you have a beautiful weekend! Thanks for reading. <3

Friday, April 20, 2012

Dead Man Walking

I just wanted to check in and let y'all know that I'm alive and well! Well, for the most part. Allergies are kicking my butt, but that just means it's spring! Finally. Hopefully summer isn't too far off!

I've been super busy with school and work and spending as much time with my fam as possible before I head off to Hawaii. It's coming faster than I can even prepare for! I can't believe in less than four months I'll be LIVING there. It boggles my brain. Mike asks me every time I see him if I've changed my mind yet. I haven't.

My mom's 50th birthday party is tomorrow. Weekends aren't known for sleeping for me, and this weekend definitely won't be the exception to the rule. I have work until six.. I'll try to get a nap in.. class at 10, the girls game after that, then my grandma should be getting into town (it's a surprise!) and then the party! Followed by work, followed by 7-12:30 for church. I have a crazy busy weekend ahead of me, and I won't be surprised if I sleep for 20 hours Sunday night. 

Even though I have all of this chaos, I feel extremely blessed. I have an amazing mom who I get to celebrate tomorrow. I haven't seen my grandma since November and I'm really excited to see her. I get to sing with an awesome worship team who loves Jesus as much as I do! I get to worship my God with the gift He gave me. It really doesn't get much better than that. 

So I'll try to stay caught up a little better, but I can't make any promises. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and kicking! :) Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

P.S. It was over 70 degrees today! ALMOST Hawaii weather! :)

Thursday, April 5, 2012

It's Ok

Its Ok Thursdays

It's been a while since I've linked up with Neely and Amber, but you know what?
It's ok.

It's also okay...

That I messed up writing my schedule down and totally missed work on Tuesday and came in today when I wasn't supposed to work. Really, it's okay. I'm not in trouble.

That I almost prefer the week because I get to sleep like a normal human being (mostly).

That I'm dreading the next three days, even though I love Easter. I work tomorrow night after a day of classes then going to a movie, then after work I have classes from 10-3 and will get maybe 4 hours of sleep before I have to go to work again, which will be followed by singing at church and not sleeping until Sunday night. Yikes!

That I want to read the Hunger Games after watching the movie. You don't get to judge me for that.

That I'm watching Titanic in 3D with my friends just to be able to see Titanic on the big screen again.

To laugh uncontrollably while watching The Hot Chick. Rob Schneider was amazing in that movie!

To be waiting impatiently for a package to arrive in the mail.. I can't tell you what it is though!

To dream about being in the 78 degree Hawaii weather rather than the snow I'm in now. 

To feel a little sad about leaving behind everybody I know and love to go off on a big adventure.

To cry like a baby over One Tree Hill.. not because the finale was amazing, but because it means the show is really over.

To wish.. somehow.. that they'd start over with Jamie as the new Nathan of the show. 

What's OK with you today?