Like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one that knows your heart
Only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cause I'm the only one who understands
How to make you feel like a man, yeah.
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one that knows your heart
Only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cause I'm the only one who understands
How to make you feel like a man, yeah.
Wow it's been a crazy week! That's putting it lightly, really. My world has been chaos for the past 8 days. I'm still in Eugene, for another 10 days. I wish I was at home spending time with my friends and family and my kitty, but I'm needed where I am. I'm glad to be spending time with my grandma. She needs to be loved on, so I'm right where I need to be.
I was invited by my old church to sing a song for the candle light service on Christmas Eve (tomorrow night). I decided on "A Baby Changes Everything" since I've been dying to sing it since I heard it for the first time two years ago. I'm pretty excited, but a little nervous. I've been singing on a stage with a microphone for four years now, singing solos and stuff, but I'm still nervous. Probably because when I sing I have a band and other vocalists behind me, this time I'm on my own with a cd. Scary.
My grandma is treating me to a Christmas pedicure tomorrow too. If you know me, you know that I hate feet and I hate my feet being touched. *Side story* I was kind of seeing a guy a while back, and we were at my friends house watching a movie, and he started rubbing my foot with his. I didn't freak out on the outside.. but on the inside I was screaming. It was awful. Not only was he touching my foot, he was touching my foot with his foot! Oh.My.Gosh. Anyways, it will definitely be interesting. I'll let ya know how it goes.
Being on a break from school and not doing a whole lot of anything since I've been here, I've done a lot of thinking. Too much thinking. I went to a seminar a few years ago about relationships (it was at my church so I just went, even though I was single at the time.. still got a lot of cool information). It's called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. It's hilarious and so true at the same time. The guy was explaining the difference between female's brains and males brains. He said that males minds work like boxes. They think about one thing at a time. Everything is organized in little boxes. When they're in the "sports" box, that's what they think about. It's one thing at a time. Nice and easy. For females, brains work like wires. A big mass of tangled wires in our brains. It's always going, it's always connected. Now, I've realized over the last few years that my brain works like a guys. It really does. I don't spend my nights awake because I'm thinking. When I'm ready to sleep, I sleep. When I'm watching sports, it's hard to tear my attention away from it. When I'm reading a book, that's what I do. I read. When I'm listening to music, I don't want to talk. I want to listen to my song. My brain seriously works like a guys.
Until just recently. It happens in spurts. I start thinking about something that triggers something else and then my brain is on overdrive and I'm not sleeping because I can't.stop.thinking. It's really annoying, and I'm ready for my brain to get back to normal. I can't stop thinking about a person I shouldn't think about. I wish I could. I've been told by my brother numerous times that I need to just let it go. I've prayed that I would just forget about this person. Forget everything. Forget to think about this person. It hasn't happened. If I could make it happen, it would have happened a year ago. And it's excruciatingly painful. My heart breaks over and over again. My heart breaks for the friendship that I once had. Now I'm missing that friendship more than ever.
I'm feeling a lot of emotions after the death of my grandpa. Grief. Guilt. Anger. Regret. The grief is for obvious reasons, I lost my grandpa. A person that I've known my whole life. Someone who may not have been the strongest influence in my life, but a person who was always there. I'm sad that I'll never be able to have the relationship with him we should have had. I'm sad that when I come visit, he's not there. I'm sad that I didn't take the time to tell him that I care about him. That's where the guilt kicks in too, and the anger, followed by the regret. My guilt is from being so angry with him for so long. If I'm being honest, then I must say that he didn't treat my grandma the best. She was treated like a housekeeper, a cook and a driver. My feelings were known by everybody, even if I didn't verbally express them. He knew. I hate that I let his relationship with someone else define my relationship with him. I wasn't mean to him, and I always took time to talk to him, but I didn't treat him like someone I loved.
My anger is fully piled onto my shoulders. I'm so very angry at myself for the way I treated him. Or actually, the way I didn't treat him. I didn't treat him with love and respect. I'm angry at myself for that. I regret not taking the time to get to get to know him. I've heard a lot of stories since he passed away, and I think I'd have liked to know him better. While all of these emotions are piling up and I have no escape (I haven't had a moment to myself other than sleeping since I've been here), it's a good learning experience. To love with all of my heart. Not to hold grudges (especially ones I don't realize I'm holding and that have nothing to do with me). To put it all out there, no matter the consequence. Sure I might get hurt, but I'd rather be hurt than feel like this. Regret is an ugly feeling. Especially with guilt on the side. It's no bueno.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I've learned my lesson. I'm still hurting, and I still have a ton of emotions to sort through, but I've definitely learned from this. His death was not in vain. And I pray that he's in heaven with Jesus right now, walking on streets of gold. I hope to see him again one day. I'm taking more chances now. I'm not playing it safe with my emotions. I have too many regrets from that. I'm laying it all on the line. Life is way too short to not take a chance on loving people.
P.S. Sorry for the randomness, I'm just venting.
Being on a break from school and not doing a whole lot of anything since I've been here, I've done a lot of thinking. Too much thinking. I went to a seminar a few years ago about relationships (it was at my church so I just went, even though I was single at the time.. still got a lot of cool information). It's called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. It's hilarious and so true at the same time. The guy was explaining the difference between female's brains and males brains. He said that males minds work like boxes. They think about one thing at a time. Everything is organized in little boxes. When they're in the "sports" box, that's what they think about. It's one thing at a time. Nice and easy. For females, brains work like wires. A big mass of tangled wires in our brains. It's always going, it's always connected. Now, I've realized over the last few years that my brain works like a guys. It really does. I don't spend my nights awake because I'm thinking. When I'm ready to sleep, I sleep. When I'm watching sports, it's hard to tear my attention away from it. When I'm reading a book, that's what I do. I read. When I'm listening to music, I don't want to talk. I want to listen to my song. My brain seriously works like a guys.
Until just recently. It happens in spurts. I start thinking about something that triggers something else and then my brain is on overdrive and I'm not sleeping because I can't.stop.thinking. It's really annoying, and I'm ready for my brain to get back to normal. I can't stop thinking about a person I shouldn't think about. I wish I could. I've been told by my brother numerous times that I need to just let it go. I've prayed that I would just forget about this person. Forget everything. Forget to think about this person. It hasn't happened. If I could make it happen, it would have happened a year ago. And it's excruciatingly painful. My heart breaks over and over again. My heart breaks for the friendship that I once had. Now I'm missing that friendship more than ever.
I'm feeling a lot of emotions after the death of my grandpa. Grief. Guilt. Anger. Regret. The grief is for obvious reasons, I lost my grandpa. A person that I've known my whole life. Someone who may not have been the strongest influence in my life, but a person who was always there. I'm sad that I'll never be able to have the relationship with him we should have had. I'm sad that when I come visit, he's not there. I'm sad that I didn't take the time to tell him that I care about him. That's where the guilt kicks in too, and the anger, followed by the regret. My guilt is from being so angry with him for so long. If I'm being honest, then I must say that he didn't treat my grandma the best. She was treated like a housekeeper, a cook and a driver. My feelings were known by everybody, even if I didn't verbally express them. He knew. I hate that I let his relationship with someone else define my relationship with him. I wasn't mean to him, and I always took time to talk to him, but I didn't treat him like someone I loved.
My anger is fully piled onto my shoulders. I'm so very angry at myself for the way I treated him. Or actually, the way I didn't treat him. I didn't treat him with love and respect. I'm angry at myself for that. I regret not taking the time to get to get to know him. I've heard a lot of stories since he passed away, and I think I'd have liked to know him better. While all of these emotions are piling up and I have no escape (I haven't had a moment to myself other than sleeping since I've been here), it's a good learning experience. To love with all of my heart. Not to hold grudges (especially ones I don't realize I'm holding and that have nothing to do with me). To put it all out there, no matter the consequence. Sure I might get hurt, but I'd rather be hurt than feel like this. Regret is an ugly feeling. Especially with guilt on the side. It's no bueno.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I've learned my lesson. I'm still hurting, and I still have a ton of emotions to sort through, but I've definitely learned from this. His death was not in vain. And I pray that he's in heaven with Jesus right now, walking on streets of gold. I hope to see him again one day. I'm taking more chances now. I'm not playing it safe with my emotions. I have too many regrets from that. I'm laying it all on the line. Life is way too short to not take a chance on loving people.
P.S. Sorry for the randomness, I'm just venting.
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