The Only Exception

To start off with, I knew he had been seeing someone. This was something that I knew. Engaged? Definitely did not see that one coming! Especially since it has only been a year since we expressed our feelings for each other. Engaged. Low blow, man. Cheap shot right to the heart. What do you say to that? "Oh, well that's dumb." Yeah, no. Congratulations? Seems like a lie, but it's all I could come up with. It's not like I expected him to stay hung up on me forever. I knew he would move on. He pushed me away. Out of hurt/anger and whatever else he was feeling. He pushed me away, of course he should be the one to move on easily. He's in control.

I'm used to being controlled. I have an easy-going, people pleasing personality, and it's very easy for me to be controlled. But I feel a little [lot] uneasy about having NO control whatsoever in this situation. Vulnerable is something that I do not like to be. That's how you get hurt. Putting yourself out there is a scary thing! I've done it twice with him now, and both times just proved why I HATE BEING VULNERABLE!

Mean words would have hurt me less. "I hate you, stop talking to me" would have done the trick. But no. I get told things that I don't want to hear from the guy that I still have feelings for while he's engaged! You don't tell someone that still has feelings for you that you still love them. Or that they're one that slipped away. Ummm, hello? I'm RIGHT HERE. Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe he just wasn't thinking. Telling me that you can't talk to me because you'll end up falling for me again is NOT the way to get me to back off. You're breaking my heart.. again.

I just want my friend back. My football friend, my late night conversation friend, my OTH friend. The person who knew me better than anybody else. The person I think of way too much, wondering if he's thinking about me too. Wondering if he's reading this. Wondering if he misses these things too, but is afraid to put himself out there again. I really hope he's not settling because of me. That would be a real shame.

Side note: why would you be engaged to someone if you still spend time thinking about someone else you still love?

I.Don't.Get.It.